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Accounting Mogul Repudiates GOP

By Claire N. Balanced
Published: December 26, 2005

NEW YORK, Dec. 25 - Yesterday the accounting titan Ebenezer Scrooge held a press conference repudiating his past ties to the Republican Party. Scrooge, known for decades as one of the largest contributors to conservative causes, announced that he had undergone a "revelation" and that he now believes that Republican principles are mean-spirited and "flawed".

"I've seen the future under the Republicans and I don't want any part of it People deserve an even break and we all are responsible human beings to all humanity". Wearing a large overcoat, Scrooge displayed an unusual degree of merriment and mirth as he took questions from reporters.

"I used to be a big supporter of prisons and work houses, but they just don't work. Ordinary citizens need a fair wage, good working conditions and to be able to provide appropriate health care for their children and families. The scourge of illness that affects children, particularly small children with crutches, is something we can and must overcome".

Ebenezer Scrooge, the chief partner in the accounting partnership of "Scrooge and Marley", the company that was instrumental in helping the global giant "Wal-Mart" set up it's merchandising plan, has historically been the "go-to" fundraisers for the Republican elite and are well known figures in the Republican corridors of Capitol Hill. Last year, rumors circulated that Scrooge was the funding behind payoffs made by Jack Abramoff to various Republican House Members.

As recently as last month, employees of "Scrooge and Marley" had filed two class actions suits charging the company with not allowing employees heated offices, breaks, time off for holidays, and paying employees below minimum wages. Scrooge attorneys announced this morning that they expect those suits to be settled out of court. "Mr. Scrooge has definitely changed his mind on company policies and we believe employees will be pleased with the results".

Mr. Scrooge's announcement sent company stock (SM) on a downward spiral. Stock market officials halted trading briefly due to order imbalances. "You can't just come out and change company positions 180' without scaring shareholders. We're very concerned about the 1st quarter results now given the companies CEO positions" said stock analyst Mackin Muney of Prudential.

When contacted for comment, Republican leaders were dismayed. Scott McClellan, White House Press secretary said "Scrooge has always been an eccentric, but we never thought he would go off the edge into the deep end. President Bush is saddened by Mr. Scrooges defection from core American values".

Senator Bill Frist, Senate Majority Leader said, "as a doctor, it appears to me like Mr. Scrooge is suffering from the early stages of alzheimers. No one in their right mind would turn their back on solid American values that Americans died for in the 9/11 attacks. It's tragic to see a great American patriot turn away from his country this way. He must be ill".

Tom DeLay, who is linked to the Abramoff scandal, refused to comment on advice of his attorney. But one of his closest friends, Sam Dimwiddy of Sugarland Texas was appalled. "We have brave soldiers dying over in Eye-raq this very day. It's a callous disregard of America for Scrooge to announce his near-traitorous behavior at this time. Scrooge used to be someone that we in the business community could look up to, leading the way in using the legislative agenda to improve business conditions in the United States. Now? You've just got to wonder".

Anonymous sources close to those in the Scrooge and Marley leadership reported that Scrooge has been complaining of gastrointestinal difficulties of late after having eaten excessive bits of beef, pieces of cheese and undercooked potatoes. However, they reported bizarre "unscrooge-like" behavior recently indicating that he seemed "haunted". Many have worried that since Mr. Marley's death, Mr. Scrooge is not well and that his most recent announcement may be the result of mind control tactics of those vying for control of the company.

Democratic leaders were contacted for a response to these developments but were unavailable.